It has been way too long!! My "break" from blogging is partly due to Facebook, I guess. But I got to thinking that I truly don't get to write down my lengthy thoughts and lately, I've had a lot on my mind.
There really is no true place to begin so I guess, I'll go back to the two biggest events in my life in the last seven and a half months. The two major events brought me to an extreme emotional high to an extreme emotional low. It took me to my baby girl being born to my Grandma dying a week later.
It has been 7 1/2 months since she died and there are still days that feel as though she just died yesterday. It all started on November 4th...where I went into the hospital with labor pains. To spare the details, I ended up having an emergency C-Section and on November 5th, 2009 my daughter was born at 6:32 that morning. In an instant, I became a mom. That is powerful to think about...that in an instant, my life changed forever. I went from being a wife to being a wife AND a mom!
The first person I called when I was able to was my Grandma. I laugh even now, remembering what she told me. She said, "Oh there you go, taking the easy way out...having a C-Section." This, followed by a laugh and a voice full of excitement (yet frail) of how excited she was for me. She couldn't wait to see a picture of Rylee and even more excited to meet her in person and hold her in her arms. I told her I would call her when I was able to go home. She told me loved me and we said goodbye.
As promised, when I first got home, (2 days later), I called G and G. My Gramps answered the phone and we talked a little. I asked if Grandma was free to talk and he said she wasn't as she wasn't feeling very good. I thought nothing of it as this was a frequent thing throughout this last year. She had her good days and her bad days, and I just thought that this was her bad day. I told him to let her know we were home and that I would call again and that I loved both of them.
As the week passed on, I continued to adjust to being a mommy with my mom's help of course. She was able to be their for 2 weeks and I was so grateful. There's nothing like your mom who is always there to help out when needed.
Unfortunately my mom's time was cut short with me. My Grandma passed that Thursday morning. She had the horrible job of knocking on our bedroom door and telling us the news. I remember that morning like it was yesterday. I have never had that feeling...where you literally can't breathe. I lost my Grandma. Some of us have that awesome blessing where your Grandma plays two roles in your life. She was like a mom to me. I grew up spending at LEAST every weekend with her. I counted down the days till we got to go to G and G's house. She was one that I could always go to, to make me laugh and give me advice.
All I could think of was...my baby girl will never be held in her arms. My baby girl will never be able to "go places" with her. What I mean by that, is Grandma had a way of playing pretend with us. My baby girl will never be able to hear her voice and laugh with her. I truly know, though, that Rylee will know who she was. After all, she is named after her.
I often find myself, even to this day, wanting to pick up the phone and tell her about my day. I knew she always enjoyed hearing about my day and I sure enjoyed telling her about it. She always put a HUGE smile on my face! I hate that the last time I talked to her was a quick conversation in the hospital. I wanted to tell her so much more...about my first week with Rylee, how beautiful she is...and how MUCH she looks like her. Man, my daughter looks like my Grams!! She did get to see a picture of her. Rylee made it on the mantle for her to see. The mantle is where all of G and G's pics of the grandchildren were. And I know my Grandma loved that Rylee was in her Ohio State onesie that she gave her.
I wish she was still here, but I know she's in a better place and out of pain. It's crazy how much your life can change in an instant. Everything you know to be true is turned upside down in a mere minute. Some for good, and some for the worse. That is crazy to think about!! Grandma is a part of me and I am who I am because of her. I am forever grateful and she will be forever missed!